Mother Love

I'm visiting my Mom for a few days and I've got to say it just slays me. She has declined so precipitously over the last few years that I still can't quite believe she isn't coming back.

I look at her and I see the memory of my Mom, but not the real her.  It's all moving so fast and I process a little more each time I see her. Tonight what's making me sad is thinking about how I always knew Mom adored me. That shouldn't make me teary, I know, but now as a mother myself, I can see how much she loved her only daughter and took joy in me. 

And I wish I had done more to acknowledge and love her back, in ways that would have really meant something to her.

I could have written her a birthday card with a list of my favorite moments with her.

I could have surprised her with a mother-daughter trip to (anywhere), just the two of us.

I could have told her she was beautiful (and, really, she didn't need to take her glasses off for photos).

I could have given her a thank you note, a real one, thanking her for the traits, interests and qualities in her that I loved and that she encouraged in me.

I could have talked to her more when I was going through infertility and she was so worried about me.

I could have flown to California with her as we talked about years ago to track down and visit the houses my great-grandmother (her grandmother) designed and built.

I could have helped her organize and write a cookbook with her best recipes from around the world instead of just begging her to do it.

I could have held her hand and told her often I really loved having her as my Mom.

I could have done so many small, easy, loving things when she would have appreciated them.  When she would told every single one of her friends. 

And why didn't I do more?  Because I knew that she knew I loved her.  Because she wasn't perfect in every way (who is?).  Because I was too busy with whatever.  Because I believed I had all the time in the world, even when the signs were there years ago that I didn't.  Because, because, because.

I don't think this is about regrets - Mom and I had so many fantastic times together and a great relationship.  I just really wish I had more time with her.

Because then I'd use it to be outrageously loving in whole new ways.  And I'd get to see how happy it made her. 

Comments

[Liz@thisfullhouse]

Oh, Emily...sending you hugs, much love and calling my mom, right now!!!

[Julia]

Emily - you are one of the most loving and compassionate women I have ever known. There is no doubt the the apple did not far from the tree. And watching you grow into the incredible woman you are must have been one of the truest joys of your mother's life. What a gift you have been. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post.

[Emily McKhann]

Julia and Liz, I love you both. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your beautiful notes (sniff, sniff).

[Busy Mom]

I've been there.

Just know it never feels like enough, no matter what you do. Just enjoy what you have done.

This is beautiful, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

[Jenn]

I'm with Busy Mom on this one...it will never feel like enough. Just remember you have a LIFETIME of sweet, precious memories that she will forever cherish! Hold on to that with all of your heart. Your mom knows. You know. That is what matters, sweetie. We all want more time. Lord knows, we ALL want more time. Just cherish the time you can and hold it close to your heart. It will see you through. I promise you that!

I am so sorry you are going through this! I am sending you all of my love and hugs your way. Call me if you need a friend. With much, much love!

[Emily McKhann]

Aww, Busy Mom and Jenn, my friends, thank you for your sweet, wonderful notes. Big hugs right back to you both. xoxo